The Smiletoneer

Better Than Your Piece of Shit Town since 1864.
UPDATE: Gull War 2012 Photos Come Pouring InMore horrific photos of Gull attacks have been submitted to The Smiletoneer. May God have mercy on…View Postshared via WordPress.com

UPDATE: Gull War 2012 Photos Come Pouring In

More horrific photos of Gull attacks have been submitted to The Smiletoneer. May God have mercy on…

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War Has Come To SmiletonThis morning, as the sun peaked it’s weary head over the horizon, a grizzly scene was spotted by…View Postshared via WordPress.com

War Has Come To Smileton

This morning, as the sun peaked it’s weary head over the horizon, a grizzly scene was spotted by…

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REMINDER: Please Don’t Spoil Breaking Bad For UsAs many of you are aware the sixth season of Breaking Bad begins this Sunday (7/15/12), and while…View Postshared via WordPress.com

REMINDER: Please Don’t Spoil Breaking Bad For Us

As many of you are aware the sixth season of Breaking Bad begins this Sunday (7/15/12), and while…

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Participants of 2012 Smileton 4th of July Lighthouse Museum 5K Fun-Run Furious Over Lack of Complimentary Beverage Koozies

Each year the Smileton Point Lighthouse Museum holds it’s 5K Fun-Run: A day of non-competitive foot racing, highly sought-after prizes and awards, a BBQ cookout, lots of vomiting, and complimentary beverage koozies. This year however, something was missing. And no, it wasn’t the vomiting - there was still lots of vomiting.

For the first time in over 30 years (with the exception of the “E-Coli Outbreak of 2007”, in which all of Smileton was quarantined), participants of the Smileton Point Lighthouse 5K Fun-Run did not receive their beloved complimentary beverage koozies. Running enthusiast and winner of the 2003 Smilton 4th of July Lighthouse Museum 5K Fun-Run, Kevin Richmond of 407 Cedar Road, recounts the moment he first learned he would not receive a beverage koozie, “It made me sick.”, Richmond commented, “I vomited everywhere. I was so mad.” Kevin, however, was not the only participant agitated by the absence of free beverage koozies. Eric Whitman of 245 Perkin Avenue had a similar reaction to the news, “I threw up. A lot. It may have been because I ate all of that BBQ and then ran 3 miles in the blistering heat, but deep down I really believe it was because I was so angered.”

It has also been reported many participants became visibly enraged during the race itself after discovering the void of beverage koozies. Some runners, reportedly, kicking public trash receptacles, and others staring bitterly at the lighthouse museum and vomiting.

Smileton Point’s Lighthouse Museum, with its attached Tower and Fresnel Lens, was completed in 1871 and became the residence of Smileton Lighthouse Keepers, overlooking Lake Pterodactyl (named after the prehistoric bird which were believed to inhabit the Lake and it’s surrounding areas, later discovered to just be “seagulls”) in 1875. However, after the drought of 1987, which lead to the depletion of Lake Pterodactyl, the lighthouse was re-appropriated as a Maritime Museum by the Smileton Historical Society in accordance with an agreement and lease from the Town of Smileton since 1990.

The Lighthouse Museum is home to a vast collection of Smileton nautical relics, including a fishing pole once used to catch “Gordie”, Smileton’s largest Bass on record, and the skeletal remains of “Ishmael D. Hill” (Smileton Point’s first lighthouse keeper). The Lighthouse now overlooks “Chuck’s Jewelry Repair and Diamond Depot” (voted “Largest Parking Lot in Smileton” in the May 1995 issue of Smileton Business Journal). The Lighthouse Museum has been holding it’s 4th of July 5K Fun-Run since 1993.

UPDATE: Smileton Point’s Lighthouse Museum Curator and current Keeper, Capt. Lance Vandersmidt was able to shed light on the absence of beverage koozies this year, “I forgot to order them.” Still, some residents aren’t convinced, “It’s them crows fault. They’re Satan’s little helpers.” says Susan Ludwig of 54 Orchid Road.


PICTURED ABOVE: Last year’s complimentary beverage koozie

Letter To The Editor (7/9/12)

Open Letter to 2012 Smileton Fourth of July Lighthouse Museum 5K Fun-Run

Dear 2012 Smileton Fourth of July Lighthouse Museum 5K Fun-Run,

Where the [REDACTED] were the complementary beverage koozies this year?

Sincerely,

Raymond Cole (302 Edgers St.)

P.S.…

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FROM THE MAYOR: DO NOT GO OUTSIDE TODAYThis morning Mayor Piven released the following statement:
“Hola Smiletonians,
Last night’s…View Postshared via WordPress.com

FROM THE MAYOR: DO NOT GO OUTSIDE TODAY

This morning Mayor Piven released the following statement:

“Hola Smiletonians,

Last night’s…

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Happy Fourth of July!Happy Fourth of July from the entire staff at The Smiletoneer! Be sure to celebrate safely and in a…View Postshared via WordPress.com

Happy Fourth of July!

Happy Fourth of July from the entire staff at The Smiletoneer! Be sure to celebrate safely and in a…

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